Hello God...Hello...?
Hello is
anybody there? That is the question I keep finding myself asking. I have felt
like I knew the answer, at least was pretty sure. Lately I find myself
pondering my know how and identity. Now to most that might seem silly or like I
am losing it, and you're right and not so right. It's silly to think that I
wouldn't know myself. I mean I'm Crystal Osborne mother of Lori, Britt and Ali,
wife to Jason and all the other things that make me..me. As for losing it, I
can't even deny it, nor do I want to. I am ok with losing sometimes. The reason
it's not completely right is that to have an identity, you have to know
what to identify with. What is your identity? Well the definition is the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another. Ok what about this one, condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is. These are things that make you unique, so
what is mine? Good question, when I find out I will be sure to let you know.
So even though I thought I knew at
least the basics of this knowledge of Christ... POOF! Gone. I am more confused
now than I have ever been. Have you ever felt a fog wrapped so tight
around your head that you can feel and see absolutely nothing? Well that is
how I normally feel so no big deal. However when it's your heart, then what? I
feel like everything is moving in fast motion and I couldn't light a fire under
my bottom for anything. So I mentioned before about layers that needed to come off.
Well the gaping holes underneath are agonizing and so painful
that I am just about numb. So I have been working on finding that intimacy with
Christ that everyone is talking and teaching about. I thought I was getting
close and have had break a through every now and then. This week it
has been brought to my attention that I wasn't even close..... I can't even
explain how I feel. I don't feel, I can't..
Let me explain why that is, or least try
to. This past few months I have been trying to stay afloat with my finances,
kids, moving, family, and me. I suffer with depression and have had some dark
times before. After getting off the meds that made me gain over 50 pounds and
causing my depression to get worse I decided to deal with the attention disorder
that I refused to acknowledge for years. Along
with exercise and some diet regulations I am better than with the $100+ a month medicine. I read a book on being guilt free and thought this is
amazing! Where the heck has this been my whole life! everything seemed to be
heading up....
Then my husband started getting more
and more depressed and being one that has dealt with it thought I can help.
Well long story short..nope. I ended up thinking he was having an affair and
was devastated Don't worry it was just my crazy paranoia that
comes from a whole new set of fun enticing issues. That's a whole new
post though. So where was I? Oh yeah So I started reading "The Love she
Most Desires and The Respect He Desperately needs" by Emerson
Eggerichs. Let my tell you my thoughts at first.. WTC! this is a book for men!
I am the one that isn't having my needs met, I mean what is this about how I
must change again! I have! How many times does one person have to change before
there is nothing left? Well my Pastor pretty much said I am reading it wrong..?
What?! before I questioned his abilities, I listened. "Crystal if your
reading it to keep from getting a divorce you can stop reading because it
won't. You have to read it first to change your heart." Wow.. I thought..
you are not hearing the words
coming out of my mouth. But it was me that didn’t have her listening ears
on. So under protest I read the book and guess what? I learned something..ready
for this one? Men need respect, not love!? When you respect your husband he
feels love. It was a whole new concept for me however I love to learn and this
was eye opening. My heart felt relieved and then guilt for not giving him what
he needed. So my quest was to respect my husband and that I did. Until it was
too hard to remember the unconditional part. I mean come on he acts as childish
as the ones he is raising and has more excitement from electronics than us or
what is needed. Well despite that I wanted to honor God and him so I struggled
with trying to be the Christian wife and mother. It was after this that I lost
all control on anything.
To sum up
most of the rest, in a little over a year we filed bankruptcy, my sister moved
in, my dad had a heart attack, then we were very unexpectedly, expectedly asked
to move a month before Christmas. My sister moved out after a very tense and
painful short stay, My grandmother came for Christmas and we moved to a
temporary place, had surgery, and then moved.. again. Exhausted yet? Not only
did we move to a temporary house but it was our church’s property. So since we
filed bankruptcy we had very few bills to pay off our tax check helped us buy
our first newish car and pay the rest of our bills up. I can breath, or I
should but really I don’t know if you noticed but there isn’t much talk of God
in here. I was so involved in life I didn’t have much of him in it. It's not like I
knew I should have. I was involved in church the whole time never missing
except the two times I was sick. In this time I remember many conversations
with my husband about bills and money but to no avail I did it alone. Now I am
nooo expert in finance nor am I an amateur. I just learn as I go and why not
without any debt(except the huge car debt now) learn and start the Dave
Ramsey program. Well our short lived
budget journey landed a bust. Surprised? I wasn’t. As a matter of fact I was getting
very frustrated and felt like a failure. So with the stress of the past year
and oh the new house being a previously very smoked in, bug infested house(we didn’t
know the vermin were there) and trying to make my girls feel like they can
enjoy their life again I felt more and more frustrated with myself. My
desperate need to have my husband understand that he can’t just go to work and
come home and be depressed, caused me to just quit. I would focus on getting the
house painted and start the homeschool year full of promise. I quit doing any
finances after numerous attempts to get him to take a few steps with me to
help. This only took two months of late bills and bounced checks before he took
action.(This just shows how desperate I was because I worked hard at getting it
all paid) With this we needed help and it was time.
Well in
this time I do start to relax when school gets closer because we are starting
fresh and new. I was ready and optimistic. I started reading my bible again and
started going to a friend’s bible study. The yearly women’s conference was
coming up and I was pumped(not just because I would be without husband or
children) about the two days of girlfriends praising in one place! I do have to
confess I am not a punctual person. No matter how much I want to be I have not
mastered that and it isn’t on the top of my list right now. Well I had planned
a time of spending time with my girls before leaving, and cleaning my car
because since I had new car I could actually fel safe driving. Well remember I
said the more I try? Well that morning I had to finish cleaning the car, workout
(to offset the food I would be eating the next two days) and shower then
actually fix my hair! Whew that was quite a bit but I got up early and was on
the move. I started out reading my bible, and then went to the car. Well in the
move laundry detergent (I order a super duper concentrated one for my oldest daughter’s
eczema) was spilled in the back floor board. Ok no biggie I use dry towels to
get as much up and then water and shop vac. I knew this would be a few times
after that I would have to do this after. Then I could finish and workout and
shower get ready and go! Yep that would have been great, as I went out to the
car I set a cup of coffee on the counsel in the car. I kept telling myself to
remember it when I went in but my girls came out to help and my oldest Lori set
her coffee down with mine… I wish I could say nothing happened. Yes she knocked
down her cup. In my new car. Coffee. With creamer, in-between the counsel and
drivers seat. An impossible to reach place. I wish I could tell you that I
handled it calmly. I was so clouded with everything that I felt I couldn’t
breath. I yelled at everyone to go in that I would take care of it. Well I
broke the shopvac hose and decided to go in and trust my husband and girls to
finish. I worked out for 15 whole minutes because I couldn’t concentrate and my
chest felt like it was going to collapse. I showered and apologized to Lori for yelling at her because I could have very well did the same thing. When I
realized that I was out of time I don’t much remember what happened except that
I cried and cried. I felt everything building up on me. I failed at this whole
thing. I couldn't even clean my car, I failed my girls and was a crappy wife. I
felt the whole world on my shoulders and that thing called time just added
enough weight to reach my heart. I failed at getting there on time! Again! Who
does this? Who else in this world is told an earlier time so they aren’t late.
Me! I was so humiliated that I wasn’t going I told myself.
I couldn’t
bear being the joke again.
Well I
got up and got ready embarrassed that my girls seen me totally act like a
child. The group of women that were waiting on me didn’t even act like anything
was wrong. I love them even if I felt like a joke not one word was said. My
friend and our family minister was there and came over to tell me that every
one of these women had stories and I am not he only one. They are not here to
judge but to lean on and be there for me. The best part was they didn’t even
know about my morning! Well the weekend was great and I needed to hear every
word of it.
The next
weeks after were promising. I apologized to my family and they of course were
like..forget about it. The stress of everything was still there but I felt a
bit of relief with school going to start. I had a meeting with Sha to talk
about everything. It felt good but it was hard. I explained about our finances
and she already knew some of the rest. I just didn’t want to continue on this
cycle of chaos. I wanted to see my family prosper not struggle endlessly over
and over. I was at the end of my ropes and couldn’t do it all. This thing called budget and everything beyond just paying bills was a whole other language. She asked us to
trust her and she wanted to counsel us. The best part was Jason said yes! No
hesitation, I was relieved. We gave all our info to her then she went to work
doing the magic she does. I was scared and felt relief at the same time.
Finally I can breath. As we head into our first big meeting I felt great,
excited, and anxious. We had to write the things that were important to us to
keep or work with. Mine was beside bills and food or medicine (obviously) my
Melaleuca for vitamins and it helps keep the eczema at bay. Plus the safe
cleaners are a bonus. Then the girls school supplies, extra activities. Lori
wanted to start drama this year and Britt had been excited about starting
gymnastics or dance. Ali would love them also. Jason just wanted to keep the
car. I felt selfish for mine but I’m sure I could compromise. She then said that
with us owing back bills and hospital that I was going to have to work full
time to catch us up and pay off the hospital. Then the girls were going to have
to go to school./////As she continued to say the reasons and that it was the
best for the girls, I just put my face in my hands and sobbed uncontrollably. I
understood the reason for the job not a problem. We can do this and
optimistically I thought ok trust this crystal.
Let me
explain why I homeschool. My oldest has ADD(well her father and I both do so it
was not a surprise. We are the mad hatter family i think) and when we moved in her 4th grade year we
decided to keep her back since she was struggling in the old school. This would be a new beginning for her. The next year was just the
same and then 5th didn’t seem any better. The few Dr.’s we seen for
this right away wanted to put her on meds. I didn't like it but understand that. So I asked my Dr. about it
and he wouldn’t recommend it yet. Young ones have enough problems with hormones
and chemicals during puberty that sometimes a good schedule and dietary
changes, along with physical activity would give an amazing result. After that
I was hit with a voice, I mean I heard myself say in my head get the info for homeschool.
Umm heck no! I was not even going to try that. I like my time alone. Well two
years after I threw the first thought out another said get the homeschool stuff
together. I am saying I had no prior thoughts of this and it was almost to demanding
of a voice(for bing in my head anyway). After that I could see a difference in
her, she even felt better about herself. I was convinced God was my nudging
voice and was so greatful. Well Brittany started at 5th grade and Ali
this year. While the last year was crazy I couldn’t wait for this year to get
back to it and in so many different levels. Not to mention the connection they
had to each other. My older two have always fought but not the same anymore. They took care of their sister
(babied is more like it) and she had a harder time “growing up”. So she is just now opening up into a personality to work with this year. I fought
people saying they need to be in school and remarks of just put them in school.
They aren’t socialized!(not going there). I have been able to learn and grow in
my faith with them. Oh and most importantly I get to teach about God and
include Him in everything with them.
So this
is where I’m at. Pain then turns to anger and blame to Jason. He makes enough
money that this shouldn’t be an issue! He has his job, this is mine. My faith
and family are what I have. I remember feeling like this is not fair! I begged
him to help! Do something, get up! Now I have to change or give up again. He
just gets to be at peace knowing everything is being taken care of. The pain is
more evident and I say this is something we can get through without such
tactics. I will work and alter the curriculum to be less hands on when I’m not
there. No she says Lori can’t handle that, she already does too much. She is
right Lori has been a rock. At 15 she has been an inspiration to me in
everything. God has such great plans for her. She does take on to much and I
have taught her that, it’s something that I am trying to correct. However, this
is why I am asking for helping hand to guide us in healing or teaching us. With
no real guides growing up we are learning as we go. I then felt numb and talked
to her about the things at home that need to consider.
I cried
and prayed then we went to the next meeting. It got worse, I listened to my
husband open up but it was about me.? Of coarse it was.. blah. On the other hand I thought ok fine he is opening up it’s a
start. Although it was the same thing and I could not feel anything by the end
of the session. I was so broken and could not believe that I was hearing all
this. I felt attacked and betrayed. How could I be the one at fault here when I
did nothing but beg for help for 15 years! Now I can’t explain the feeling when
your told that you have this illusion of what God is and you need to find Him.
What. I do know, don’t I? I am more lost now than I have ever been. This is now how I feel..
How can you have so many people around and feel
abandoned? Easy we rely on this world to provide. I am not defined by opinions.
I am however defined by my actions and who I portray myself to be. I may feel like there is no hope but that is only
because I can’t see the big picture in this haze and pain. I need to let go off
everything and more so I can fully grasp what God meant me to be. My identity
is being questioned but my faith is not. I know with all my heart that God
loves me and wants for me what he wants for all his children.. to Love Him just
as He loves us. To know that it doesn’t have to be this hard. I can write down
so many scriptures that back this up but if you can’t know He Loves you and
wants for you not to suffer but to have peace, then words from His handbook, or guide, won’t seem so great or trustworthy to you. I love being real with people
so that way no one else has to feel alone. If you can see how real it is to
just believe then maybe seeing how real it can be outside of the Christian stained glass window can give you hope and a hunger to be loved and want more
than just a paper with words. I know that He loves me.Just because I feel like
this pain doesn’t mean I don’t have a God. We do have someone who wants to take
these pains away when we are ready to let go. He died so we could be free and I
want my chains off for good. Do you?
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